I work out. A lot. Like everyday.
I do it for cardio. So all the homemade queso I ingest while kicking it on the weekends watching Silver Linings Playbook for the hundredth time doesn’t turn my arteries into Velveeta bricks.
I do it so the one day I actually go on a date I don’t have to wear pants that cinch with Velcro.
Elliptical machines, the occasional sun blistering long distance run. I’m on that like JFK loved poached eggs (seriously, look it up, my man loved his poached eggs…go ahead…I’ll wait while you Google it).
So I have much love for the workout warrior. But some of you are taking it too far. Here’s the Top Five Workout Sins.
5) “Bro.” You’re using this word like a hundred times a bench set. We get it, you’re working out with friends. Please stop.
4) The Dead-Drop Scream. You’ve just hoisted a new personal best. And you want everyone to know about it. You scream out like King Leonidas in 300. Just be proud of your new record. Maybe don’t feel the need to wail out a banshee’s cry.
3) The Set Zombie. Look, I know not everyone needs to be in a big damn hurry. But after you do your leg press, maybe don’t sit there for ten minutes taking a breather. You look like your hungry for brains and I need you to stop. It’s just rude.
2) Mr. Heavy Metal. You are almost the worst. You pump bands like Slipknot, Papa Roach, KORN, and Insane Clown Posse. I can’t focus on my workout because I keep waiting for you to explode your own skull with a dumbbell.
I get it. You’re full of repressed teen angst and can do a ten minute plank. But I need to groove while working out. And you faux-anarchist hipsters are destroying my soul one over aggressive cliche song lyric at a time.
1) The P.I. (Private Investigator for those of you brought up before Tom Selleck did his thing.)
You’re watching me. You like my workout.
You hang back in the shadows and then, I swear to God, as soon as I drop off the pull up bar…you hit the pull-up bar. This repeats from the kettle bells to the treadmill. Just get your own workout.
Call one of your “Bro’s” or ask the Set Zombie what he does. But please, stop sweat stalking me.