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The Domesticated Male

Recently, I bragged to a female coworker of mine that I was fully domesticated. She looked at me quizzically, so I informed her that I did not mean I don’t tinkle on the carpet or scratch up the sofa (though believe it or not, I don’t), but that the path of manhood does have a higher plane which can be reached. Something beyond the easily achieved, somewhat valuable altruisms of remembering one out of every three anniversaries or an annual foot massage.

No, I’m referencing the higher order of male accomplishment, with specific regards to the familial front. I now present to you, the traits of a truly domesticated male.

1. Realizes that ketchup (and all condiments) are located in the space directly between their eyes and noses, on both the pantry and refrigerator.

2. Knows the sheer terror of sitting onto a toilet, and finding oneself plummeting into a watery abyss.

3. Understands that any gift involving plastic cards and a predetermined amount of funding will not result in romance.

4. Understands that it is the end result that counts, not the thought.

5. Does not elbow a woman awake so that she can take care of his child.

6. Comprehends that women see the transparency in a present meant for them that is any of the following: golf clubs, weapon, Sports Illustrated subscription, or most any other gift that he himself would enjoy.

7. Knows a night at O’ Charley’s and the matinee showing of Blade 4 is not appropriate for anniversaries or birthdays.

8. Will buy separate gifts for mate even if her birthday coincides with any holidays or anniversaries. Also knows that in that case “lump sum gifts” which claim to be the value of all special days combined will not be fully appreciated.

9. Stops to ask directions before running out of gas, or ending up in Alabama. Though some credit must be given if it is the former and not the latter.

10. Never, ever, ever attributes any domestic argument to the menstrual cycle, or any other facet of the female body. Which, if it were a board game, would be Mouse Trap.

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