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10 Ad's that can cause a Homicide

 

For every breath of commercial greatness like the Most Interesting Man in the World (Dos Equis) or the StarCraft 2: Wings of Liberty Trailer, there are ten mind-boggling pieces of crap that are aired hundreds of times a day.  Since commercial advertising is the price we pay for television programming (for those unlucky souls that don’t have TIVO, DVR, or a liberal use of a mute button), we are stuck with these mind-numbing, repetitive commercials, that are probably causing companies to LOSE customers and let’s hope getting entire advertising departments and firms fired. 

 #10.  Chad Ochocinco – Reebok ZigTec 

 10 Ads that can cause a Homicide

"The only thing you should buy from me is a Demolition Man DVD."

I actually think anything with Ochocinco is preposterous. He is not funny, he is not good looking (does he still have gold capped teeth?), he isn’t that great of a wide-receiver, and he has 4 children with 3 different women (yet does have a dating show called Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch coming out on VH1 later this year… stay classy VH1).  

 I fail to see how Senor Ochocinco is any different than Flavor Flav and why would anyone buy anything he promoted.  HIS NAME IS “85”, which while genius for the football field seems ridiculous for a product pitch man. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=64k26pNEkmQ 

 #9.  Miracle Whip Revolution Commercial 

Stephen Colbert explained this better than I ever could.  Watch the full 3 minutes, it is worth it. 

 http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/252726/october-15-2009/the-mayo-lution-will-not-be-televised 

 #8.  Allstate “Ghost Bikes” Motorcycle Insurance 

A 30 second montage of what appear to be un-survivable motorcycle accidents.   This commercial is either a poorly veiled advertisement for life insurance or a really clever anti-motorcycle campaign.  For those of you who LOVE riding motorcycles .. volunteer at a local ER for 3 months .. you will never get on one again. 

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qpjedAZooaQ&feature=channel 

 #7.  Kei$ha music videos – “Your Love is my Drug” 

 10 Ads that can cause a Homicide

"Without me, rap music would be dead."

Say what you want about Kei$ha, between terrible SNL performances, placenta necklaces, and being fairly miserable at convincing me she is not high all the time, her songs are catchy and get a ton of radio airplay. However, her music videos are cheap, not generally relevant to the music, and really stupid.  

Now the music video for Tik Tok was fairly salvagble, but it was a song about going to the club.  Have you ever seen “Don’t Stop the Music” by Rihanna? Now that is a pop music video for the club. FROM NOW ON THAT’S WHAT YOU DO!! 

Check out the “Your Love is a Drug” music video and see if you disagree. .. Warning it will not convince you Kei$ha is in anyway drugfree.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QR_qa3Ohwls

Rihanna Music Video 

 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yd8jh9QYfEs&playnext=1&videos=zphFYKuBwLM&feature=artistob 

 

 #6.  Bravo Show Promos 

As far as I can tell, Bravo has 4 types of shows: Top Chef, 8 different Housewives series, Top Model, and Kathy Griffin D-list.  I generally end up watching day-time re-runs of House.  Now during the course of a House episode at the beginning AND THE END of every commercial segment, Bravo shows a promo for their shows, but they deliver it at an added volume and from a MEGAPHONE.  Add this incredibly intrusive promo (that you can’t mute fast enough) to a list of shows that are frankly retarded and it gets annoying real fast. 

 (No link available  … though I am sure Bravo is airing a promo as we speak … if you miss the 9:33am showing .. there will be another one at 9:36am, 9:41am, 9:44am, 9:50am, 9:56am, and 9:59am) 

 #5.  Gatorade Poetry Commercials 

Transcript of the Gatorade Poetry Commercial – “The Before. The Swagger. The Flow, The B-Vitamins … The After.  The Chill. The Gratitude, The Electrolytes.” .. ok novel idea .. stop airing it ALL the time..  If a commercial read me Edgar Allan Poe all the time I would hate it.  How do you think I feel about your amateur piece of crap poem? At least Poe could rhyme.   

Though the benefit is that this commercial isn’t racist, now the one that started with “They balled on peach baskets” is racist and a fine supporter that white people can’t play basketball (check it out if you don’t believe me http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Fpa_RtYfQk). 

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I86Id8YDN_c 

 #4. Lovaza Commercial 

 10 Ads that can cause a Homicide

"Yes, I am baffled by this commercial as well as my movie career in general.”

Scientists who work under the sea?  OK, all drug commercial ads suck, kind of goes with the product and what FDA regulations force them to announce.  Fortunately since Cialis and Viagra are so ingrained with the NFL network, now accounting for almost 30% of their television advertising (No fact check needed, pretty sure about that), the summer has been a welcome refuge from erection warnings.  

 But really again, SCIENTISTS IN A LAB UNDER THE SEA?  The Matthew Modine look alike staring at the ocean floor makes me think I am looking at a really bad Bond villain or the opening to Jaws 5. 

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yLECAtr9k_8 

 #3.  Bud Light– 4th of July Commercial 

In fine Budweiser tradition, the commercial is ludicrous and farfetched.  Yet, if I am going to rate my colonial commercials, the Thomas Jefferson Mac and Cheese (pure genius .. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yq8XmNGcGWU) and the Dodge Challenger freedom commercial (F-you redcoats .. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=St2FCxtlV7w) are infinitely better.  Though any commercial is better than the Coors Light commercials, which basically advertises making beer cold when its hot outside.  Thanks for the help Coors. 

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ZYENY5n10M 

 #2.  Dell – Trade a Heavy Backpack for a Laptop Commercial 

 10 Ads that can cause a Homicide

So the lights come on .. and I am putting on my overalls ...

Dell commercials might not be that bad if viewed once every 10 years but, that is impossible given the oversaturation that takes place during Dell’s ad-campaigns.  Of course Dell has a long history of this (remember the “You’re getting a Dell” Guy of ten years ago.  He actually sued Dell for typecasting him .. as a result of you guessed it .. airing his commercials WAY too much).  

And while the backpack sing-a-long commercial is one thousand times better than the previous quarters homoerotic, let’s make laptops out of playdough, Lollipop commercial, it is no less stupid and annoying and I have already seen it about 40 times. 

 (commercial not available on Youtube .. believe me .. I have full faith you will see it by Wednesday of this week) 

 #1.  5 Hour Energy (They have 3 commercials, 2 are the same and one involves NASCAR.. all 3 are pretty terrible) 

Common caffeine (or legalized cocaine) withdrawal symptoms include headache, irritability, inability to concentrate, and a pain in the stomach, which is exactly how I feel about the 5 hour energy commercials and their annoying, pompous, self-righteous, “avoid that 2:30 feeling” spokespeople.  Since the union of ESPN and 5 hour energy, requiring a 5 hour energy commercial at least 3 times for every program aired on the network, I have seen their commercials over a thousand times this summer.  

I now certifiably HATE the product and have to be talked down from committing a homicide on one of their spokesmen or anyone involved in their advertising department.  Want to avoid that 2:30 drug-withdrawal feeling?  Stop consuming caffeinated products.  Your Saturdays, Sundays and whatever poor bastard that has to deal with you in the morning each day will thank you. 

 ( though it pains me … http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXHIeeLesKs

They have a website where people post comments ripping their commercials … its actually the company webpage.  I love how they attack the 5 hour energy guy like he is a drunk chic incapable of making coherent decisions. 

http://www.5hourenergy.com/askenergyguy.asp 

 Honorable mention: The Burger King Twilight Commercials, Jared Subway Commercials, Dinner for Schmucks trailers, and anything by FreeCreditScore.com 

 

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