Stolen Diaries: Angelina Jolie

angelina jolie Stolen Diaries: Angelina Jolie

Monday, January 17th 2011

Dear Diary,

Today I awoke with a bit of a hangover. The Golden Globes were a spectacular failure. Though I wouldn’t consider The Tourist my finest work, I’d hoped that my threats to make a sequel to Salt would get me the trophy.

Adopted 12 more kids this week. Well, Brad says it’s technically kidnapping and that our neighbors are good parents, but I don’t care. If I see a child, I have to take it.

(Note to self—check out potentials at new playground down the street.)

Brad just doesn’t understand me or what I want anymore.

He doesn’t realize that if we accrue a large brood of children—most of them foreign kids I’ve snatched while the United Nation workers were handing out food—I can build a copy of the It’s a Small World After All ride in our backyard. The ride my stupid father would never let me go on.

God how I hate my father. Even his name.

Jon Voight.

It sounds like a foot rash you get after a week of soggy backpacking.

And how he always insisted my brother and I not sleep in the same bed. Can’t two 17 year-olds sleep nude on a twin mattress anymore without it being weird? What a prison warden.

Brad won’t stop talking about how proud he is of Jennifer’s new movie, some script by numbers romantic comedy with that mentally deficient gorilla Adam Sandler.

Almost as ridiculous as her Vitamin Water ads.

They airbrushed her nose so much she looks like the lovechild of a possum and the Elephant Man. And why she keeps getting work is beyond me. Maybe her old flame, that big-pored sissy boy John Mayer has more pull than I thought. I swear you could use his face to pan for gold.

Well dear diary, I must go. Johnny Depp is here and he wants to rehearse lines for the Tourist 2: You Bought a Ticket Before, So Why Not Again.

Great. He’s still in his Jack Sparrow costume. Been wearing it for the past 6 months straight.

And they called me weird for wearing a tiny little vial of Billy Bob’s blood around my neck.

Oscar winner,


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