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Snow White & the Hunstman: If it will end the pain, I'll eat the apple.

swhutsmen Snow White & the Hunstman: If it will end the pain, Ill eat the apple.Snow White and the Hunstman is a tour de force in boredom, poor storytelling, and dwarf poop jokes.

Before lighting this termite-infested screenplay on fire, I must give Chris Hemsworth (Thor) credit. This movie is like watching a giraffe pass a buffet lunch from Panda Express. It takes a long time and looks as appealing coming out as it did going in.

But Hemsworth pumps some life into Snow White in every scene he appears. He brings a sarcastic, yet vulnerable presence that gives the film anything resembling a cinematic soul.

Ahem, I did say closest thing.

The movie’s plodding pace is only worsened by Charlize Theron’s desperate attempt to squeeze a decent performance out of the clunker character that is the Queen.

She overacts her lines and drives every minute she’s in straight into the ground. It’s like watching a 500 pound jockey try and slap a donkey into winning the Kentucky Derby.  Just as happened with the evil Queen, the donkey is shortly ridden into the mud.

Kristen Stewart.  She actually didn’t give her usual horrifying performance. She was just average. Didn’t even bite her lip once.

So kudos to you Ms. Stewart. You were exceptionally average. And you were also cast so that the Twilight-ites would spend their dollars on SW and the Hunstman. I find it hard to believe you were the best screen test.

This brings us to the decision to include the dwarfs. With their bulbous noses, rosacea smeared cheeks, and general awfulness, they collectively ruined what is one of the strengths of the film, the special effects in the scene set in the “fairy sanctuary.”

Honestly, I almost cheered when of them was killed. One less hobo midget to talk about the size of his feces. And yes, that happens.

More than once.

All in all this movie is a Frankestein. Made from spare, rotting parts of films about brotherhood and journeys. Complete with spontaneous, a capella songs of fellowship and remembrance.

 

Throw in a good old-fashioned storming of the castle, evil sorcery, and needless sweeping vistas of pastoral backdrops, and this movie succeeds in bastardizing everything that’s great about the Lord of the Rings films, the fantasy genre, and movies in general.

 

Thanks only to Hemmy and some cool special effects, SW and the Hunstman gets 1 and ½ poisoned apples out of four.

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