Rotten Tomatoes is Rotten

Much like Magic Eight Balls and the National Enquirer, I have come to place a heavy weight on the information I receive from Rotten Tomatoes.

Since the quality of television is somewhere between Smirnoff Ice and the Iranian space program, I’ve recently found myself Red Boxing like a mad man. And the primary place I  go to avoid paying a dollar thirty for stink bombage has been Rotten Tomatoes.

And for the longest time I’ve been in-debted to the site for helping me avoid all manner of Hollywood feces, from The Rum Diaries to every movie that Katherine Heigel has besmirched with her oddly shaped face and oatmealesque acting.

heigl Rotten Tomatoes is Rotten

Smoking. The only thing worse for you than watching me act.

(Seriously, has anyone every parlayed a more so so tv career into multiple film deals than her? Even Rick Santorum wants to morning after pill her movies right out of existence, and he wouldn’t give birth control to Lindsey Lohan even if she threatened to hook up with the anti Christ.)

So all was well in Rotten Tomato land. All was well until a little known movie called Take Shelter.

This is a film I’ve been wanting to see. Not quite as much as I want to see Jared Leto take the next step and get a sex change, but more than I want to see another Whitney Houston Memorial.

So I’ll spare you the details, but 35 minutes in this movie is dull. Dull like two currency historians debating the impact of green ink on the dollar bill. Dull like an NBA player reciting Shakespeare. Dull like every Wes Anderson movie ever made. Dull like a hundred meter race between Precious, Rush Limbaugh, and a sloth addicted to crystal meth.

takeshelter Rotten Tomatoes is Rotten

Even with this lantern...I can't find a reason to keep watching.

So yeah, it kind of sucks and I stopped watching.

But what does Rotten Tomatoes rate it?


92 freaking percent.

So, take it from me, boys, gals and aliens.

Rotten Tomatoes is not to be trusted ever again.

It’s rotten.

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