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Predators: Jungle Rot for Your Brain

 

predators Predators: Jungle Rot for Your Brain

We hunt for plots...we found nothing.

 

Movie Grade C+ 

So I didn’t do a trailer review for the movie Predators.  Of course not.  It wasn’t necessary to do one for the GREATEST (non-animated) MOVIE this summer.   Especially when I was going to see it anyway.  All this movie needs to do to make me happy is have Topher Grace graphically killed (nothing against Topher, but this is penance for Win a Date with Tad Hamilton), someone to say “get to the chopper”, and the entire movie to be word for word the same as the original Predator. 

I don’t want originality.  I want future gubernatorial candidates, actors who benefited from a lack of steroid testing, limited dialogue, and sweet, sweet violence.  From the trailer I was promised a fight with a samurai sword, some long range sniper kills, and the absence of those stupid aliens from the alien movies.  I am very excited! 

 Predators: Jungle Rot for Your Brain

"Hi Brian. I am here to ruin your movie!"

 

As a quick warning (before your boss walks by your desk and you have to close this window), if you’re looking for Predators to counterbalance the loss of testosterone from the Twilight movie you saw last week or the Sex and the City one you saw the month before (You’re one more Grey’s Anatomy episode from putting a bullet in your head aren’t you?) … DON’T.
Hold out and take the lil’lady (or man .. we don’t judge here at Bradmouth)  to Inception.  I haven’t seen it, but you want the ol’ball and chain to think you have a talent for determining a good movie.
And believe me … Predators isn’t going to prove that to anyone.   If this movie was the Wonderlic, it would hover around Vince Young territory.  Obviously–this is a guy’s movie.  There is no love story and the only women are Topher Grace and Alice Braga.  And Braga is playing a character that may be deadlier than a Michael Vick birthday party.
 Predators: Jungle Rot for Your Brain

Thank you Brazil.

 

Like the original, there is very little dialogue, almost no character development (we don’t even get names!), and no semblance of a plan of any kind. 

The original was dark, filled with suspense, and had Arnold Schwarzenegger.  Here we get Adrian Brody doing his best Christian Bale impression and a ragtag platoon that despite some capable B-level actors, basically seems to make it up as they go along.  They have as much leadership as this movie has direction. 

Characters make illogical decisions, there is some predator on predator crime that barely makes any sense, and the group keeps following Adrian Brody’s character despite his obvious willingness to sacrifice them to keep himself (and his career) alive.  Slowly the movie tries to convince you that the humans are just as predatory as the predators themselves and while there are great scenes in this movie (thank you Laurence Fishburne), the movie lacks the buildup and the sense of foreboding and impending doom that was there for the first one.  In short, much like a soccer game not featuring the USA–after 90 minutes I didn’t really care what happened. 

In the end, the movie hovered around decent.  But as the credits started to roll, all you had was a dejected movie theater audience and the same feeling that was present coming out of Iron Man 2 or the Sorcerer’s Apprentice.  That feeling you get when you overdraft on your debit card, as you have been robbed by your own stupidity.  But this is the fifth predator movie,so only an idiot (like me) would have expected anything more.

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