2013 Oscar Best Picture Rankings: Les Misérables

Les Misérables2 2013 Oscar Best Picture Rankings:  Les Misérables

Welcome to Bradmouthin’ at the Movies long anticipated 2013 Oscar Film Battle Royale!

Because you should only waste 56 minutes of work per day browsing the internet, and because I have to review 8 freaking movies while my carpal tunnel rages on, these predictions will be short and sweet.

Like Danny DeVito dipped in chocolate.

And yes, I realize there are 9 movies. But I can’t find Amour anywhere. It’s like the Jimmy Hoffa of films. The 1993 Green Power Ranger DragonZord. Nick Cage’s film career.

Hard. To. Find.

Plus I’m fairly certain it’s a romance with old people. Since the love scenes probably sound like two pieces of sandpaper slowly grinding each other into oblivion, I’m passing.

Yes, that’s an unsophisticated opinion to take.

No, it doesn’t affect my rankings because if it gets best picture no one will ever watch the Oscars again.  Like if “Pepe” or any of these clowns ever won best Muppet. Sesame Street would be dead.

Now. Let the rankings begin.

Bringing up the rear at #8 is Les Misérables. Or as I shall call it, The Crying Game.

Oscar Worthy:
The costumes, cinematography, and set design were spot on in transporting the audience back to early 1800’s France. The opening overture and first song, Look Down, sweeps you into the film immediately.

That is until Russell Crowe starts making notes fart from his nose like some kind of zombiefied bluejay whose larynx was the first thing to disintegrate.

Also, there are some strikingly good performances from some unexpected and unknown actors.

Sacha Baren Cohen  plays Thénardier, a dastardly bit of unscrupulous comic relief who could be the love child of Kim Kardashian and Carrot Top.

Also is star in the making, Samantha Barks, whose dark, longing performance and gorgeous voice make me highly confused that she had to beat out Taylor Swift–who is not exactly known for having great pipes.

No Gold Statues Required:
I like musicals. I swear. Moulin Rhouge is one of my top 10 favorite movies of all time. And I even enjoyed Liam Neeson’s Les Misérables back in 1998.

But this movie bored me to tears.

Painful, True Blood like tears that made me wish my back tooth was actually a cyanide pill and with one hardy chomp I could bring my and every characters’ seemingly undying misery to an abrupt end.

Instead I had to watch Anne Hathaway, Wolverine, dirty little French kids, and any creature with tear ducts cry, cry, and cry some more.

Don’t believe me? Check out this deleted scene.

BUT, don’t let this dissuade you from seeing it, especially if you enjoy musicals and Hugh Jackman, who is spectacular in this film and deserves his Oscar nomination.

For me, though, Les Misérables comes in 8th in the race for best picture.

 2013 Oscar Best Picture Rankings:  Les Misérables

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