Oscars 2013: 90 Second Best Picture Predictions

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Best Actress Academy Award (Photo credit: cliff1066™)

The Oscars start in 30 minutes.

You may be thinking, “I know more about Danica Patrick’s GoDaddy commercial than the Oscars. So yeah, I’ll be watching reruns of Storage Wars.”

But wait! We here at Bradmouth believe everyone should watch the Oscars. No one should miss out on our annual glorification of celebrities and pretentiousness on steroids. Seriously. Look at Oscar’s head this year.

It’s like Barry Bonds gourd huge.

So, without further pause for things you don’t care about, like  the Academy Scientific and Technical AwardGordon E. Sawyer Award:  and Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award to name a few, here is my prediction for best picture.

Oh. forgot to mention I didn’t catch Amour or Life and Pi.

N/A – Life of Pi. Synopsis. If James and the Giant Peach had a one night stand with Castaway and the dude from Brokeback Mountain and the Incredible Hulk directed it.

NOT winning the Oscar because – 3D Tigers leaping from boats scare literary nerds, and they’re the only ones who would’ve seen it. (Kidding. I love tigers. Their bone marrow gives us Frosted Flakes.)

N/A – Amour. Synopsis: Old people doing old things in a house.

Not winning the Oscar because – 1. See synopsis  2. People who would give it a chance, like me, had other things to do. Like cleaning out the gutters and swearing at the tress. Without subtitles.

7 – Argo. Synopsis: Americans hideout with the Canadian ambassador because Iranians are unhappy with the dictator America installed and decide to storm the embassy.

Not winning the Oscar because – Actually, it may win because Hollywood promised Ben Affleck an Oscar for not making  Daredevil 2 or Gigli 2. But really, the plot is slow, the acting is stiff, and the script poorly humanizes the peeps on the run. The hidden staffers come off like miserable, whiny yuppies with less gumption than Kato Kaelin playing truth or dare. And yes, I hate myself for knowing how to spell Kato Kaelin on the first try.

6. – Les Miserables. Synopsis: Great direction, cinematography  and acting, but mostly I’ll remember this film for not having Liam Neeson and watching Wolverine and Catwoman cry for what seemed like 300 gazillion minutes.

Not winning the Oscar because – French. Musical. Russell Crowe farting notes through nose.

5. Zero Dark Thirty. Synopsis: Beware a woman scorned. Jessica Chastian scares the hell out of any terrorist as she portrays the woman that would not ever, ever, never let that whole pesky “9/11” thing go. No matter how many distracting,  ginned up wars were started.

Not winning the Oscar because – The movie is tight, clinical, and edgy. Exactly what it should be. But that’s not usually a  best picture.

4. Django Unchained. The revenge movie black people have been clamoring for since…well, never really. But Quetnin Tarentino has Jaime Fox to allow him to kill the hell out of racists in a bloody massacre that only the genetic collision of Dr. Seuss and Ares the Greek god of War could have imagined.

Not winning the Oscar because – Despite Leonardo DiCaprio playing the most sadistic slave owner since Willy Wonka, Django’s wanton, graphic novel violence, dark humor, and complete abandonment of all political correctness makes it too toxic for Oscar to kiss.

3. Lincoln. Synopsis: Lincoln shows that he was more than a voraciousness ax man, he was also the Yoda of political operators.

Not winning the Oscar because: Daniel Day Lewis‘s performance was so incredible, so spot on and genuine, you literally wish Spielberg would’ve rewritten history and had Seal Team Six from Zero Dark Thirty storm Ford’s theater and blow John Wilkes Booth to kingdom come. And because he was so great, how could the academy know how great the actual film is…I know that’s thin…it actually could win.

2. Beasts of the Southern Wild. Synopsis: In a hurricane Katrina-soaked fairy tale world known as the Bathtub, one little girl has to reconcile her role as the sole savior of her land with the deterioration of her father’s health. The score is absolutely brilliant. The script and line delivery is so real this could have passed for a documentary.

Not winning the Oscar because – You are so busy sobbing form joy and pain during the last 15 minutes you can’t remember the name of the film. Kidding. This movie has a scrappy, underdog puncher’s chance of beating my winner, same as Lincoln. I wouldn’t mind. It’s really a beautiful tale.

1. Silver Linings Playbook. Synopsis: Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence and everyone in the cast come together in a vicious, loving, hilarious examination of how we deal with relationships, loss, and healing. Also the best representation of the true consequences of mental disorders since The Aviator, or the Smurfs. Don’t ask…

Winning the Oscar because – This movie takes you through every possible emotion without appearing engineered to do so. It’s one of those rare instances where every single cast member manages to have the performance of their careers at the exact same time, in the exact same film.

 Oscars 2013: 90 Second Best Picture Predictions

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