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No Pulse, No Problem: The Hottest Female Vampires

By Brad White

America loves a sucker.

swift No Pulse, No Problem: The Hottest Female Vampires

Our song is the sound of screeching cats.

No, I’m not talking about Jessica Simpson and chicken of the sea, also known as tuna fish.  And I’m not referencing anyone who truly believes Taylor Swift can sing live.  And I definitely do not mean anyone who thought an alcohol monitor would slow down Lindsay’s party.

I’m talking about vampires.  Those sexy beasts that suck worse than BP’s oil rig architects, Lady GaGa’s fashion designer, and all of Kristen Stewart’s performances since Panic Room.

desperate housewives2 No Pulse, No Problem: The Hottest Female Vampires

Photo bought with AARP discount.

Lately I’ve been reeled back into the vampire obsession.  In the last month I’ve watched about fifty hours of new True Blood and old Buffy the Vampire Slayer episodes.  Seriously, I haven’t seen so much ancient flesh walking around since the last episode of Desperate Housewives.

Which got me thinking—who are the hottest vamps of all time?  Because I’m a big believer in equal rights, will break it down by gender. Ladies first.

cruise vampire No Pulse, No Problem: The Hottest Female Vampires

Think RuPaul with fangs.

5. Tom Cruise–Interview With a Vampire

Manicured nails.  Long, blonde curly locks that are just a little too long.  Perfect alabaster skin.

Thinking he should be on the dude list?

Wrong.  He clearly sways Brad Pitt’s character into falling in love with him and gets jealous when a new girl, Kirsten Dunst, comes into the picture.

 No Pulse, No Problem: The Hottest Female Vampires

Not into long-term relationships.

I’m just saying, this is where he belongs.  And that’s okay.

4.  Jennifer Esposito–Dracula 2000

Firstly, bonus points for being the most tan of the vamps on our list.  So yes—she’s pretty adamant about breaking the neck of the man who’s crushing on her.  And I can’t say that I’d ever approach a chica who entered the club after freeing herself from a body bag.

Though I’ve dated some that I’m pretty sure didn’t have a pulse.

3. Monica Belluccui–Bram Stoker’s Dracula

 No Pulse, No Problem: The Hottest Female Vampires

I call the one in the middle.

I know what you’re thinking—she only had a small part in Bram Stoker’s Dracula, how can you put her on the list? Consider the following:

  1. She’s Italian—you know she can cook.
  2. She nearly killed Keanu Reeves. And if she had succeeded, we would’ve been spared his performance in The Day the Earth Stood Still (one of the all time Waste of Time Films)
  3. She’s what the kiddies call curvalicious.  Unlike Keira Knightley and Ichabod Crane, she probably eats at least two meals a day, proving you don’t have to starve yourself to be the baddest chick in the spot.
 No Pulse, No Problem: The Hottest Female Vampires

No, I don't think the ponytails are "a bit much."

2. Deborah Ann Woll–True Blood

While I would’ve loved to rank her higher, she lost points for degree of difficulty.  If you are a red head and a vampire, you actually have to be a gal that works to not be hot.   Kind of like Helen Hunt.

But red hair and silky smooth, pale vampire skin go together like chocolate and peanut butter.  Like queso dip and tortillas.  Like Mel Gibson and recorded phone conversations.  And her round fawn eyes hint that she’d be innocent and naïve—at least that’s what the truck driver believed right before she ate him alive.

Plus, she has a major soft spot for the nicest guy in the True Blood universe.  And it’s good to see a gal give nice guys a chance.  Or at least refrain from devouring them.

1. Kate Beckinsale–Underworld

beckinsale2 No Pulse, No Problem: The Hottest Female Vampires

They're both loaded.

Two words—black leather.  Honestly, between what must be a hellacious workout regimen and excellent costume design, there is literally a line of cows waiting to be killed so that they can be molded to her body.

In addition, she’s the only vampire on this list who knows how to duel wield pistols.  And since American males love violence only slightly more than Victoria’s Secret commercials, that pushes her to the top.

Comment below and tell me who I’ve unjustly left off the list.

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