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No Pulse, No Problem: Hottest Male Vampires Part II

Bravely continuing on with the sacrifice of my manhood…

5.  Angel (David Boreanaz), Angel

angel1 No Pulse, No Problem: Hottest Male Vampires Part II

I'm here. But I don't want to be.

I sum up this selection by referencing Wedding Crashers.  You remember some bratty little kid demands that Vince Vaughn make him a balloon bicycle? And Vince says, “All right, I’m going to make you a bicycle. But I don’t want to make you a bicycle.”

I’m putting Angel on this list.  But I don’t want to put Angel on this list.

I don’t like David Boreanaz.  He demeaned Buffy and Angel on every TV interview he did after the two series ended, he’s being sued for sexual harassment, and just comes off as an all round turd bag of the highest degree.  More than Donald Trump, the cast of Jersey Shore, and Gargamel combined.

But I had to put his character—no, make that Joss Whedon’s  character—on this list.

Angel is what the ladies’ call hunky.  He knows how to support a strong woman without smothering her.  And he’s quick with the one-liners.  Plus, out of everyone on the list, he is by far the best at being all dark and broody.

Now I’m not going to talk about this anymore.  I boycott Bones and this man literally makes me vomit in my mouth.

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That's right ladies, I like The Fray.

4.  Mick St. John (Alex O’Loughlin), Moonlight

If not for massively annoying love interest Beth Turner—think Lois Lane, but without the charm or functioning brain—the show might have made it.  Played brutally by Sophia Myles, the show didn’t hit its stride until Mick’s maker and former wife Coraline, portrayed by Shannyn Sossamon, one of the all time underused hot chicks who can act, entered the story.

Other than the fact that he refused to harm women or children, why else is he on the list? Because of this single, Fray-filled scene with Coraline—whom he hasn’t seen since attempting to kill her for being a psychopathic, evil bloodsucker twenty years earlier.  (Oddly enough, that description works for all my ex’s as well.)

Note that the scene is ended by an annoying woman banging on his front door.  Who is our mystery interrupter?

You guessed it— Beth.

3.  David (Kiefer Sutherland), The Lost Boys

david vamp No Pulse, No Problem: Hottest Male Vampires Part II

Yes, your motorcycle earns you a pass on the punk-mullet.

One consistent shared characteristic that I’ve noticed amongst most “hot” or desirable male vampires is their tortured soul mentality.  Women seem to love a vamp who is conflicted between being a boy scout or a bloodthirsty monster.

David doesn’t have this mental hang up.  No brooding whilst watching a human love from afar, no surviving on rats or stealing from a blood bank.

David wears black leather (way before Spike was doing it), drives a motorcycle, and has formed his own vampire biker gang—and one of their primary forms of entertainment, and weekend dining for that matter, is eating other biker gangs.  To top off his overall I’m an evil vampire and I intend to do what evil vampires do attitude—he sleeps upside down in a cave that’s decked out with pictures of Jim Morrison.  He is Axel Rose if Axel had been a vampire.

Bad to the fang.  No apologies.  Or as I call him—Anti-Edward.

2. Count Dracula (Gary Oldman), Bram Stoker’s Dracula

oldman vamp No Pulse, No Problem: Hottest Male Vampires Part II

Find me another vamp who conditions like I do! You can't!

The Count has it all.

Tragic origin: His love, thinking he’s died while fighting for Christendom against the Turks, throws herself from the castle because she can’t bear to live without him.  He returns home moments too late and, feeling betrayed by his God, stabs a cross and becomes the first vampire.

Cool powers: He can turn himself into a flying goblin, a pack of rats, and a wolf.  So for all you girls who couldn’t pick between Edward or Jacob, know that the Count gives you what you’ve always wanted.

Loving Devotion: Once he discovers that his dead wife has been reincarnated, he travels across the world packed in a box of good old Transylvanian mud (helps him regenerate—think Robert Downey Jr. and cocaine), to find her.

A Sweet Bachelor Pad: He lives in a freaking castle.  If the Count were kickin it now, how many Orange County housewives would be at his front gate as we speak?

All of them.

1B.  Bill Compton (Stephen Moyer) True Blood

bill vamp No Pulse, No Problem: Hottest Male Vampires Part II

Don't let the fangs fool you. I'm a nice guy.

Bill is the only one on the show who can say the main character’s name—Sookie—and make it sound sexy.

But mainly, for him, it’s all about the Southern charm.  That molasses thick accent, which is impressive considering Moyer is British, that makes even f-bombs sound poetic.

Bill treats Sookie like a Southern belle.  He’s never pushy, rents out an entire restaurant just to propose to her, and, more recently, is willing to suffer the company of some very manipulative, spiteful vampires, just to keep her safe.

And he constantly helps save her idiotic friends and brother.  I guess 150 years on Earth truly teaches you that love is patient.

1A.  Eric Northman (Alexander Skarsgard), True Blood

eric vamp No Pulse, No Problem: Hottest Male Vampires Part II

If you must know, it's Hanes.

Let’s start with the obvious.  Blue eyes, about eight feet tall, can fly or disappear into vapor, and is a Viking prince out to avenge his murdered family.

And out of all of this his greatest attribute may be that he makes a wife-beater tank top look cool.  Counting him, Jay-Z, and John McClane, that brings the world population of dudes who make tank tops look good to a grand total of three.

What makes him number one?   It’s the mystery of his true nature.  With every other vampire I’ve ever seen, you pretty much know what you’re going to get.  Evil, brash, whiny, sullen, eager to try good, whatever.

But with Eric, you can’t tell if he’s Superman, the Devil, or somewhere in between.   Yes, he ripped off a human’s arm and bit out his carotid artery, but the guy hit him in the face with silver.  He kidnapped Lafayette for a couple weeks, but he bought him a sweet sports car.  He doesn’t care for many vampires, but wept when his maker killed himself.

eric vamp 2 No Pulse, No Problem: Hottest Male Vampires Part II

Rough first date.

Most importantly, he often seems disconnected from any semblance of the humanity he once held, but he secretly pines away for Sookie.  When she’s near he gazes at her with a curiosity and interest that most women would die to receive.

Does he just want to knock vampire boots?  Does he think she can help him avenge his family?  Maybe he wants to piss off Bill?  Is he, gasp, in love?

Or could he just be hungry and her neck looks like a well-moisturized Snickers Bar?

None of us knows for sure.  And that’s why he’s number one.

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