Bravely continuing on with the sacrifice of my manhood…
5. Angel (David Boreanaz), Angel
I'm here. But I don't want to be.
I sum up this selection by referencing Wedding Crashers. You remember some bratty little kid demands that Vince Vaughn make him a balloon bicycle? And Vince says, “All right, I’m going to make you a bicycle. But I don’t want to make you a bicycle.”
I’m putting Angel on this list. But I don’t want to put Angel on this list.
I don’t like David Boreanaz. He demeaned Buffy and Angel on every TV interview he did after the two series ended, he’s being sued for sexual harassment, and just comes off as an all round turd bag of the highest degree. More than Donald Trump, the cast of Jersey Shore, and Gargamel combined.
But I had to put his character—no, make that Joss Whedon’s character—on this list.
Angel is what the ladies’ call hunky. He knows how to support a strong woman without smothering her. And he’s quick with the one-liners. Plus, out of everyone on the list, he is by far the best at being all dark and broody.
Now I’m not going to talk about this anymore. I boycott Bones and this man literally makes me vomit in my mouth.
That's right ladies, I like The Fray.
4. Mick St. John (Alex O’Loughlin), Moonlight
If not for massively annoying love interest Beth Turner—think Lois Lane, but without the charm or functioning brain—the show might have made it. Played brutally by Sophia Myles, the show didn’t hit its stride until Mick’s maker and former wife Coraline, portrayed by Shannyn Sossamon, one of the all time underused hot chicks who can act, entered the story.
Other than the fact that he refused to harm women or children, why else is he on the list? Because of this single, Fray-filled scene with Coraline—whom he hasn’t seen since attempting to kill her for being a psychopathic, evil bloodsucker twenty years earlier. (Oddly enough, that description works for all my ex’s as well.)
Note that the scene is ended by an annoying woman banging on his front door. Who is our mystery interrupter?
You guessed it— Beth.
3. David (Kiefer Sutherland), The Lost Boys
Yes, your motorcycle earns you a pass on the punk-mullet.
One consistent shared characteristic that I’ve noticed amongst most “hot” or desirable male vampires is their tortured soul mentality. Women seem to love a vamp who is conflicted between being a boy scout or a bloodthirsty monster.
David doesn’t have this mental hang up. No brooding whilst watching a human love from afar, no surviving on rats or stealing from a blood bank.
David wears black leather (way before Spike was doing it), drives a motorcycle, and has formed his own vampire biker gang—and one of their primary forms of entertainment, and weekend dining for that matter, is eating other biker gangs. To top off his overall I’m an evil vampire and I intend to do what evil vampires do attitude—he sleeps upside down in a cave that’s decked out with pictures of Jim Morrison. He is Axel Rose if Axel had been a vampire.
Bad to the fang. No apologies. Or as I call him—Anti-Edward.
2. Count Dracula (Gary Oldman), Bram Stoker’s Dracula
Find me another vamp who conditions like I do! You can't!
The Count has it all.
Tragic origin: His love, thinking he’s died while fighting for Christendom against the Turks, throws herself from the castle because she can’t bear to live without him. He returns home moments too late and, feeling betrayed by his God, stabs a cross and becomes the first vampire.
Cool powers: He can turn himself into a flying goblin, a pack of rats, and a wolf. So for all you girls who couldn’t pick between Edward or Jacob, know that the Count gives you what you’ve always wanted.
Loving Devotion: Once he discovers that his dead wife has been reincarnated, he travels across the world packed in a box of good old Transylvanian mud (helps him regenerate—think Robert Downey Jr. and cocaine), to find her.
A Sweet Bachelor Pad: He lives in a freaking castle. If the Count were kickin it now, how many Orange County housewives would be at his front gate as we speak?
All of them.
1B. Bill Compton (Stephen Moyer) True Blood
Don't let the fangs fool you. I'm a nice guy.
Bill is the only one on the show who can say the main character’s name—Sookie—and make it sound sexy.
But mainly, for him, it’s all about the Southern charm. That molasses thick accent, which is impressive considering Moyer is British, that makes even f-bombs sound poetic.
Bill treats Sookie like a Southern belle. He’s never pushy, rents out an entire restaurant just to propose to her, and, more recently, is willing to suffer the company of some very manipulative, spiteful vampires, just to keep her safe.
And he constantly helps save her idiotic friends and brother. I guess 150 years on Earth truly teaches you that love is patient.
1A. Eric Northman (Alexander Skarsgard), True Blood
If you must know, it's Hanes.
Let’s start with the obvious. Blue eyes, about eight feet tall, can fly or disappear into vapor, and is a Viking prince out to avenge his murdered family.
And out of all of this his greatest attribute may be that he makes a wife-beater tank top look cool. Counting him, Jay-Z, and John McClane, that brings the world population of dudes who make tank tops look good to a grand total of three.
What makes him number one? It’s the mystery of his true nature. With every other vampire I’ve ever seen, you pretty much know what you’re going to get. Evil, brash, whiny, sullen, eager to try good, whatever.
But with Eric, you can’t tell if he’s Superman, the Devil, or somewhere in between. Yes, he ripped off a human’s arm and bit out his carotid artery, but the guy hit him in the face with silver. He kidnapped Lafayette for a couple weeks, but he bought him a sweet sports car. He doesn’t care for many vampires, but wept when his maker killed himself.
Rough first date.
Most importantly, he often seems disconnected from any semblance of the humanity he once held, but he secretly pines away for Sookie. When she’s near he gazes at her with a curiosity and interest that most women would die to receive.
Does he just want to knock vampire boots? Does he think she can help him avenge his family? Maybe he wants to piss off Bill? Is he, gasp, in love?
Or could he just be hungry and her neck looks like a well-moisturized Snickers Bar?
None of us knows for sure. And that’s why he’s number one.
I have never heard of Moonlight! What’s wrong with me?!
But anyhoo, Eric FTW!
Excellent description of him…so true, you don’t know what you are going to get from him. He’s mysterious, protective, and funny! Oh, yeah, he’s HOT! (which is not easy for a cold, dead man)
Kudos to author Charlaine Harris for the name “Sookie.” Original and fun to hear Bill say! I was this close to naming my puppy Sookie, but she couldn’t read my mind so I didn’t.
I loved the Lost Boys. I will have to rewatch it again!!
Fun stuff, Brad!
Thanks. And yeah, Lost Boys is like a forgotten classic in the vampire realm. They were originally going to do a sequel, which is why Kiefer doesn’t turn to ash and his body disappears at the end. But, alas…
How do you know your pooch can’t read your mind?
I need to keep up. I’m only familiar with Kiefer and Gary. I still prefer Spike.
Don’t feel bad. I had no clue who Eric and Bill were until this summer. They’ve knocked me “dead” on my feet, out “cold,” a “biting” good time.
Okay so that last one was a stretch and I’m procrastinating because I don’t want to work on my novel.
Go Team David.
Omg you have 2 of my favorite Vamps of all time, Angel and David. I wish I lived in a world of vamps because I would be a great fang banger….lol keep them coming
Have you read the Sookie Stackhouse novels? If you like Eric and Bill that much you should read them…. I have them but they are loaned out to someone right now…. you’re welcome to them when I get them back though. And I love the way Stephen/ Bill says Sookie.
I have all 9 books, I love them. I’m just waiting for the 10th book in the mail. But that was nice for you to offer.
While I agree with all of the runners-up, I must say that I think you left off a key player- Gerard Butler in Dracula 2000. I mean, my goodness, he is smokin hot whether playing a vampire or a scruffy, loser bounty hunter. It doesn’t matter, though. You nailed it with 1A and B. Can’t get enough of those Bon Temps vamps!
I wondered if anyone would bring him up. He nearly made it, just didn’t have much of a personality.
And he was in The Ugly Truth.
Um… I was offering the books to Brad…. lol.
Yes, but we encourage sharing amongst all our minions. And thanks, I might like to read those when you get them back.
Oh Eric, this 28 year old pines for you every night. I’ll wait for you when you finally decide to come to TN, play your HBO character full-time, and get rid of Kate Bosworth. .
Skinny Kate Bosworth or doesn’t look emaciated Kate Bosworth. It makes a difference.
I’ll put you down for Team Eric.
Great list! I would have also included Chris Sarandon from Fright Night. Total childhood crush for me.
My brother actually mentioned him. He was…considered.
You disgrace! Dracula is not only the hottest, but the most badass, vampire of all time. It is a scientifically verified fact.
Spike is the hottest vampire ever.
Ever, ever?
your forgetting 1 very important not to mention sexy vampire
Henry Fitzroy (played by Kyle Schmid) from the series blood ties.
I have seen many vampires movies throughout the years and he has to be the most sexiest !!
You should see the comments on the other post.
Gary Oldman = <3
Gary Oldman in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban = <3 <3
Gary Oldman in Dracula = <3 <3 <3
And there it is.
You win the Gary Oldman Badge.
Stuart Townsend, ‘Queen of the Damned’.
He is very, very good looking. Though I have to agrue that Eric northman is very hot as long as his hair is short and slicked back….. ^_ ^
I will not comment as I sacrificed enough manhood simply by writing these articles.