No Pulse, No Problem: Hottest Male Vampires Part I

A quick prologue….

I’ve chosen to ignore, and mock, reader suggestion Jackson Rothbone.

(Don’t feel bad reader—teasing, I’ve been told, is one of my love languages.)

Firstly, because I know many of you love it, I’m willing to forgive vampires in Twilight.  They can’t help it that Stephanie Meyer sold her soul to the devil and happened to land one of the top literary agents in the business.

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Which, in the pantheon of minimally talented people hitting it big, is actually a more respectable way to make it than most.  At least she had to pay something.

Mark Wahlberg gets paid $10 million a film because his brother was in an 80’s boy band.

Rumor Willis, whose head is a cross between Family Guy’s Quagmire and a weathered cinderblock, gets regular acting gigs.

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Uh-oh, I made a boom-boom!

Since his daddy is Monte Kiffin, Lane Kiffin keeps getting coaching jobs.

At least Stephanie is as soulless as Angel after he had that one great night with Buffy.  The rest of them paid nothing.

But I cannot in good conscience place anyone on this list whose dramatic acting face looks a lot like a toddler’s frightened I-just-pooped-my-pants-face.

Now on to the list, which will cost me the tiny shred of masculinity I still possessed.

10.  Edward (Robert Pattinson), Twilight

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Yes dear…whatever you say dear…

In the first 110 pages, Bella intricately describes cooking dinner for her father about three hundred times.  Other than this, I know very little about Twilight.  But I’m aware of a few things.

A) Bella is what is referred to as a “Stage Five Clinger,” as evidenced by this clip. (Skip to 2:30 and, WARNING, like most people, the idea of moving to Jacksonville literally gives her a conniption fit.)


 No Pulse, No Problem: Hottest Male Vampires Part I

We all must suffer for reading Twilight.

B) The only thing she does better than bite her bottom lip is put herself in potentially fatal situations.

C)  She keeps a boymergency sub on the bench—also known as Jacob.

Yet Edward tolerates all of this and fawns over her like she’s crack rock at a rehab clinic.  Thus, he’s mostly here because he’s as loyal as a Labrador Retriever.

Just not as smart.

Oh.  And his hair, at times, looks sort of neat-o.

I placed a Twilight vampire on the list.  I will now flog myself, Silas style.

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Yes, I will give you diabetes.  But my work provides premium health insurance!

9.  Count Chocula, (Count Chocula) Count Chocula Cereal

First, he’s the youngest vampire here, only 39 years old.  So he’s still in touch with the ladies of today.   Plus, women love chocolate, which he has in spades.

And on the job front he’s golden—holding down a steady gig with Fortune 500 Company General Mills, which is very sexy in this economy.

Most importantly, he’s the only thing standing between humanity and Franken Berry’s bid for world domination.  That’s just steamy hot.

8.  Spike, (James Marsters) Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel

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I need carbs and protein. And blood.

This vampire works out more than the founders of P90X and Shaun T Insanity.  He’s not resting on the whole never have crow’s feet or ear lobe hair because I’m immortal thing.  He’s a vamp that wants to stay in Gerard Butler from 300 shape.

Plus Spike’s extremely dangerous.  He’s killed two slayers, and never even been beat up for his bleached, Billy Idol hair.  Of course, he’s so cool that you actually don’t even notice the hair anymore after the first episode.

He loves his mom—turning her to save her from tuberculosis (he later staked her but we won’t get into that), and he even went to Woodstock, so he has the whole hippie vibe going for him as well.

And do you know what he was before being turned into a vampire?

A writer.

And we all know that there is NOTHING sexier than a writer.

7. Deacon Frost (Stephen Dorff), Blade

Yes he’s a villain, but he’s so darn brave.

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I’m Deacon. And I’m a PC.

Do you realize how large of a man Blade (Wesley Snipes) is?  Fighting with him would be like smacking a rhino in the face—enjoyable for that first second, but less pleasant of an experience with each passing moment.

However, Deacon, who earns major bonus points because I can’t tell if he’s named after a porn star or the tenth Santa reindeer, goes toe to toe with him.

Deacon is like 4’ 2” and still nearly wins a sword duel with the Bladester.

So yes, he threw a poor little Asian girl in front of a bus so that he could get away—but he had to feel Blade out.  People shouldn’t be so sensitive.

Lastly, he’s on the computer pretty much 24/7, so he can always help if you’re having trouble posting your pics to Facebook.

What woman wouldn’t find this hot?

6.   Louis (Brad Pitt), Interview with the Vampire

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Broken man. Haunted past.

At first I wasn’t certain of this pick.  Obviously , as Zoolander would say, he’s reeeeeeeeeeealy, reeeeeeeeeealy good looking.  Blue eyes.  Long thick hair.  Lips that have been injected with more collagen than Joan Rivers third face.  He’s a fine looking fellow, to be sure.

Then it hit me.  What do women love, at least for the first five years before the messy divorce?

A project.  Someone they can fix.

And Louis is by far the most tortured soul on this list.

He only became a vampire because he couldn’t cope with the death of his wife and child, and was quite ready to check out until Lestat came along.  Then he tried to burn himself alive in his house after accidentally killing, as in accidentally sucking the life out of, his maid.

Heap on all the guilt he feels after failing to save little Claudia from being melted in the sun, and you have yourself a man more screwed up than Hamlet, Vincent Van Gogh, and the surviving member of Milli Vanilli.

If he told his story and shed just a single tear in the club, he would be stampeded with women eager to heal his broken past.

Top 5 coming soon.

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