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Nashville Snow and Ice Survival Guide Entry 1: The Forecast

If you’re reading this, then you understand the dangers of living in Nashville during the winter months, realize that escape is not an option, and want to ensure you live to see winter 2014.

Take your right hand from your mouse (left hand if you lost family members in the Salem Witch Trials), move it overtop your shoulder, and deliver three hardy pats to your upper back.

Go on. You deserve it for being proactive.

Let’s begin. If you’re going to survive the nearly 3 inches of cumulative snow and ice Nashville gets almost every other winter, you have to learn to read the signs.

Since the Osama’s In Your Closet Color Coded Chart of Terrorist Doom worked so well for Homeland Security, let’s use an abbreviated version as a framework for understanding the Nell like nature-language spoken by local weather forecasters.

GREEN – Low Risk of Icy Mayhem.

Weatherfolk: “Very interesting situation out there this evening. Cold air front coming in from the north and large storm front coming in from the west. Precip-mix turning to sheets of black ice covered with three feet of snow. Roll the salt trucks.”

Translation: “There is about a one in a hundred chance this perfect storm will swirl together. But we need ratings plus we get $1 for every gallon of milk and loaf of bread sold throughout the mid-state area. The roads will be safer than vegetables in Honey Boo Boo’s house.”

ELEVATED—Significant risk of merciless white death.

Weatherfolk: “We can guarantee one thing—it will be cold tomorrow! There’s a sneaky patch of moisture creeping down from the north, and with these expected lower temperatures, we might get some snow in the late hours of the night. Accumulation could be minor to significant depending on some still undeveloped weather systems.”

Translation: “We don’t have one damn clue what’s going to happen. Honestly, a blind man suffering from severe palsy has a better chance of winning the Talladega 500 than we do of predicting what’s going to happen. Come on, like you’re good at your job more than 50% of the time.”

SEVERE—Severe risk of snowman attacks.

Weatherfolk: “No chance of ice or snow tomorrow. The temperatures just aren’t going to drop enough. Sorry kiddos, you’re going to school tomorrow.”

Translation: “We’re getting hit tomorrow and we’re getting hit hard. Hard like Drago hit Apollo CreedHard like college coaches hit grad assistants. Like electricity? Better enjoy it while you can. This will be the ice storm of the decade. It ends with you roasting your pet hamsters over a trash can fire and drinking water out of the toilet, assuming it hasn’t frozen. Cancel your plans for tomorrow and get right with God. You’re going to die.

Check back in next time as Bradmouth reviews what to expect if you’re on the roads of Nashville when white madness strikes.

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