Movie Sequels that Never Happened Part IV (5 to 1)

Finally the list ends!  I actually had to watch Godfather 3 for the first time this weekend.  The things I do for the fans of Bradmouth.  All 8 of them.

Part I, Part II, Part III

5. Rocky 5 Movie Sequels that Never Happened Part IV (5 to 1)

The drop-off from Rocky IV (the best in the series) to Rocky V is drastic.  Rocky IV ended the Cold War (not that hack Reagan).  What did Rocky V do?  It ended a franchise and reverted all our characters back to the beginning.  Took it back to formula.  The boring Rocky I formula.

Paulie goes back to the meat packing plant, Adrian works in the most depressing pet shop ever, and really dumb Rocky (whose general intelligence always fluctuated) returns.

Great, a non-success story.

Oddly, a street fight to end the movie feels like a good idea, especially when a Don King-like character gets punched (come on the 80’s why did you allow Don King!  Why?!), but it should have been more of a subplot than a culmination of a solid film franchise.

Yet, where could Rocky V have escalated to?  He was already a world champion.  He was already rich and successful.  He had already taken an insane amount of punches.  Should he have joined Justice League at that point?  Started a line of lean cooking grills?  I have no idea.  Though, judging from the preposterousness I will allow from my Stallone characters (thank you John Rambo), he could have done almost anything.

Too bad Rocky V missed what the audience wanted.

The great and surprising thing, Rocky Balboa got it right. We just had to wait 16 years for it to happen.

Dialogue I made up: “Yo, there drug testing for this street fight?” – Rocky

4. Terminator 4: Salvation Movie Sequels that Never Happened Part IV (5 to 1)

I was promised lasers!  At no point, in 3 movies worth of flash forwards does John Conner and the Resistance fight with bullets.  And what actually will destroy these terminators, because multiple grenade rounds, an entire gas tanker, and a molten metal shower didn’t work?

None of the characters have very many lines to work with and in Jack Bauer-like style they repeat half of them (first in a whisper and then yelling).   Christian Bale may be approaching Colin Farrell-like over-rated territory (try to name 3 good Bale movies .. and if you said Reign of Fire .. I have already won this argument) and if Sam Worthington is this next great thing, we haven’t seen it yet.

For 2 years before this movie was released, every time a conversation came up with how generally awesome Terminator 4 would be, I cautioned my excited nerd-friends with .. “but it is directed by McG.  He made Charlie’s Angels.  Twice!”

Some directors just make crappy movies.

Some fun things you may have also noticed from the film other than the time/storyline paradox:  the actor “Common” sporting sunglasses on a night mission, a 60 ton jet engine machine sneaking up on a group of humans at a remote gas station, and Kyle Reese living in a recently radiation soaked Los Angeles, but somehow fathering a healthy child sometime in the future.

Dialogue I made up: “You can’t be the leader of the resistance, you keep shooting robots with handguns, yelling at everyone, and speaking in one word sentences.  I am pretty sure you have an undiagnosed learning disability of some kind” – Marcus Wright

3. Star War Episode I: The Phantom Menace Movie Sequels that Never Happened Part IV (5 to 1)

Nerds are so funny when they are angry.  And this made them REALLY angry.  They waited 16 years, many of them avoiding sports and remaining celibate the entire time.  Most likely because that’s what Boba Fett wanted them to do.

In the previous Star Wars films (the ones that count), not once did anyone say, “Gosh, I wonder what Darth Vader was like as a 9 year old.”  Well apparently he was obnoxious, unlikable (Malfoy-like if you will), and a terrible actor.  Though how can anyone act when your only props are a massive green screen and those ridiculous Jedi robes.  None of the actors had a chance and it shows.

We chose to reserve all our hate for Jar Jar Binks and Anakin, but we could have picked any number of those involved for this terrible movie (my vote will always be George Lucas).

Worst of all, fans expected that the series would get better as it developed.  They thought Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith would improve upon Episode I (how could it not?).   And yet it never did.  All 3 movies were fairly terrible and only the fight scene between Obi-Wan and Anakin in the lava is remotely re-watchable.  That’s 8 hours of George-Lucas boom boom to build up to a mediocre fight scene.  You’re welcome.

Dialogue I made up: “Be honest, the Jedi are boring, self righteous, and act like every engineer you ever met, you WANT me to kill them.” Darth Maul

2. Godfather 3 Movie Sequels that Never Happened Part IV (5 to 1)

The movie that taught us two things: first, maybe it isn’t a good idea to glorify the sadistic and homicidal ways of the Italian mafia and second, we shouldn’t let Francis Ford Coppola make any more movies.

Coppola took a strong and compelling character like Michael Corleone and ended his life in a logical and befitting conclusion for a man who had murdered family members, priests, and enemies like he was living his own personal Grand Theft Auto.

Not surprisingly, Corleone ends up guilt-ridden, alone, kind of creepy, handicapped by his own terrible advice (“Never say what you’re thinking!” .. yeah .. thanks grandpa) and the abysmal acting performance of the director’s daughter (Sofia Coppola).

This movie is 3 hours of watching a beaten down title character, a plethora of religious images (I get it, the Catholic church is just as evil is the mob! … Wait, was that supposed to be the take away?), scenes that last WAY too long, cousins hooking up, and a musical score that just won’t stop.  It would be like doing a Jersey Shore reunion 20 years from now as the original cast suffered from multiple divorces, the health ravages of STDs and prolonged alcohol abuse, hepatitis, chronic unemployment, parole violations, and a lack of attention.  No one wants to see that (or did I just describe the Real Housewives of New Jersey?).

Not a huge fan of the portrayal of the mafia in movies myself (fat guys in track suits and a ton of kitchen scenes), Godfather III is slightly refreshing (I didn’t say “good”) because it is an anti-mafia movie.  However, for those who grew up fans of Godfather I and II, that seems to be exactly what they didn’t want.  They also probably could have done without spinning newspaper cliques, a 45 minute opera scene (which was better than the actual movie), and again the acting performance of one Sofia Coppola.

Dialogue I made up:  “Uncle, you are going to give $600 million to the Catholic church, then spit in the face of your enemies, dote on your children and family, thus making them targets, and then walk around unarmed with no bodyguards?  Wouldn’t it make more sense to buy a tank and line the house with Kevlar?” – Vincent Mancini

1. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull Movie Sequels that Never Happened Part IV (5 to 1)

Fifteen seconds in, as you are serenaded by Elvis’s “Hound-dog”, something in the back of your mind starts to bother  you.  Well, actually a lot starts to bother you.  Like why does the movie open with a song that no one under 50 years old likes? And why does the background look like a computer screensaver?  Then it hits you, like watching someone enter a gas station at 2 in the morning with a black ski mask on, that feeling that you may be witnessing a crime.

Deviating from the gritty feel of the original movies, George Lucas and Steven Spielberg went for a digital look and a plot written by a 4th grader.  They have scenes that look like they were filmed on the Happy Days set, aliens in a series that up to this point was highly biblical, monkeys on vines, a noticeably aged Harrison Ford, and an atomic blast survived from a refrigerator.   Just one of those things should have killed this movie.

Wait there is more?  You don’t get a #1 ranking for just that.  And go.

There is also an Indiana Jones marriage, the complete absence of Sean Connery, Shia LaBeouf acting like Marlon Brando, that whole scene in the Mexican graveyard, the making of Marion Ravenwood (one of the greatest characters of ALL time) into a suburban housewife, and finally (for those that survived till the ending credits) a flying saucer taking off from a pyramid.

How do we recover from something that horrible?  I really don’t know.  Time I guess.  I know some chose to deal with this movie by immediately purchasing the trilogy DVD box set to avoid any chance of future Crystal Skull ownership, some sent the Lucas ranch hate mail written in magazine clippings, some just went and had a good cry on the floor of another room.   We all have our ways of coping.

Dialogue I made up: “Hey George, you think the fans will ever get over the trauma of this movie, because frankly, there are 786 million reasons why I don’t care“ (yes it did make that much money)

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