Movie Sequels that Never Happened Part III (10 to 6)

Hey its a Trilogy!  So expect 40% less story, a new director, and a vastly increased budget.


10.  Batman and Robin (4 or 5 depending on if you were alive to have seen the Adam West one) Movie Sequels that Never Happened Part III (10 to 6)

Known as the movie that officially put a bullet into the head of the Batman franchise (Batman Forever only mortally wounded it), Batman and Robin is campy, homoerotic, and surprisingly not Joel Schumacher’s worst film (probably a 3 way tie with The Number 23, Phone Booth, and Bad Company).

The movie is a collection of scenes that make little to no sense and the supporting actors of Chris O’Donnell, Alicia Silverstone, and Arnold Schwarzenegger work overtime to see who can be the worst actor ever.  Plus, the Batman and Robin suits have nipples and cod pieces.  I am pretty sure that wasn’t necessary.

This series was considered legally dead until Christopher Nolan took the same basic material and crafted one of the best movies this decade in The Dark Knight.   We should all send him a gift basket.

Dialogue I made up: “So Dick, have you thought about changing your name and not telling EVERYONE you were a trapeze artist?  I think it might really help your street cred.”

9.  X-men 3 Movie Sequels that Never Happened Part III (10 to 6)

Magneto can lift the Golden Gate bridge (just ridiculous), Jean Grey has gone bat-shit crazy (and not in the Heath Ledger school of good acting crazy), Cyclops and Professor X both get killed off (one great casting move and one really poor one) and we are left with Rogue, a porcupine guy, and a bunch of super heroes no one cares about.

The only thing holding this movie together is Hugh Jackman.  At this point, the movie could be Swordfish the sequel.

Though none of the X-men movies are very impressive, a crappy culmination on Alcatraz with Jean Grey de-molecularizing everything in sight kind of felt fitting.  Too bad it didn’t progress to our short term memory.

Dialogue I made up: “Yes, my plan to help all mutants is to act like a domestic Al-Qaeda” – Magneto

8.  Spiderman 3  Movie Sequels that Never Happened Part III (10 to 6)

The Spiderman series survived solely on moments of greatness that made us forget the inane dialogue, poor casting, and terrible acting prevalent throughout.  They are films with highs and lows and we always seem to remember the highs.

In Spiderman 1, it was the great and dark ending that brought us the line “with great power comes great responsibility”.  In Spiderman 2 it was the New York train fight with Dr. Octopus.   For the third movie, the lows got lower and the highs didn’t exist.  All we got was a heavy dose of a metrosexualized Tobey Maguire, who couldn’t play a jerk any more than a Canadian could.

Dialogue I made up: “The great part about all these lame villains is that no one is paying attention to me” – Peter Parker

7.  Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man’s Chest Movie Sequels that Never Happened Part III (10 to 6)

The sequels to the original Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl were so bad, we almost forgot how good the original was.  Based on a Disney ride (a ride!) the first movie was nominated for 5 Academy Awards and earned $654 million worldwide.  And it isn’t even a very good ride.

So what changed this franchise into something more about making money than developing a coherent story?  Yup, Dead Man’s Chest.

First, our main character focus shifts from Elizabeth Swann and William Turner (who go out of their way to be miserable), to Jack Sparrow.  Initially, you have no complaints.  Sparrow was a wonderful character, but he is completely unstructured and without a long term plan.  Combine him with the inclusion of about 20 major characters (that’s a lot of names to memorize), that all have different agendas, and the movie becomes a 3 hour train wreck (followed by a sequel that’s a 3 hour train wreck).

Second, Disney figured out they could make a fortune and revitalize their film studios.  So they made a huge down payment and produced both Dead Man’s Chest and At Worlds End at the same time (making the movies almost exactly the same).  This didn’t work for the Matrix and it didn’t work here.  Something about an unlimited budget, non-well developed storyline, a single director, and an over-abundance of action always kills sequels.  And that’s exactly what happened.

Dialogue I made up: “9 hours of cinema and I am still baffled by why I am here” – Jack Sparrow

6.  Harry Potter 4: The Goblet of Fire Movie Sequels that Never Happened Part III (10 to 6)

Not considered by Harry Potter readers to be the worst movie (or book) in the series, Goblet of Fire fails non-readers because it is incomprehensible.   Without the background of 734 pages (a hallmark of good writing is lots of pages), anyone just trying to follow the storyline through the movie gets hopelessly lost.  There are too many characters, too many scenes, too many subplots, too many undertones, and without cliff notes of some kind, it makes the movie impossible to follow and kind of boring (but aren’t they ALL kind of boring).

While Harry Potter fans may get lost at Bed Bath and Beyond, the corner of self respect and discernable taste, and in any conversation involving a book not by J.K. Rowling, only they can hope to navigate this bloated movie.

Also, will someone please explain the need for a Tri-Wizards tournament or a quidditch match.  Neither feature logical rules or athletic achievement of any kind (is that the appeal of Dungeons and Dragons as well?) and appear to have a criminally-low chance of survival.

Now when my friends want to go see the next Harry Potter movie, I don’t go just because I want to be nice, I just stop being friends with them.

Dialogue I made up: “So the substitute teacher is trying to kill me again and there continues to be wizard-like challenges that involve child fatalities.   I am starting to doubt the competency of the Hogwarts administration” – Harry Potter

Part II, Part I

, , , , Movie Reviews