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Movie Sequels that Never Happened Part II (15 to 11)

Once again, because there is an infinite number of terrible sequels, I had to create some ground rules for this list.

 First, the movie had to be part of a series (generally 3 or more movies or if sequels are currently in production).  I didn’t want to write an article about Weekend at Bernies 2 or whatever direct to DVD movie is currently playing on the sci-fi channel (I am talking about you Screamers 2!  How dare you defile a cult classic).

Second, the movie has to exhibit the greatest drop-off from the rest of the movies.  For example, Superman 4: The Quest for Peace, while one of the worst movies ever, doesn’t get ranked that low mostly because Superman 2 and 3 are also border-line unwatchable.

 Third, this list could go to 100, some movies had to be ignored because I wanted to finish in my lifetime.

 Fourth, the editors of Bradmouth made me break this up into four articles.  Send the hate-mail to them.  Try to write clearly and without using your own blood for ink.

 And Finally, I actually walked out on a few of these movies and some I have never seen, so if you want to argue with me the merits of Godfather 3, there isn’t much I can say .. Other than me of course calling you an idiot.

 Again, Enjoy.

 

 

15. Tomorrow Never Dies (James Bond # 18)  

 Movie Sequels that Never Happened Part II (15 to 11) Really, other than Casino Royale, a case can be made for ANY James Bond movie that it was the worst ever.   How could anyone possibly pick one?  Easy, Tomorrow Never Dies has the worst villain of any of the movies.  

His evil plan, to start a war between the United Kingdom and China that allows his media company to be first on the scene.  While this may be a less offensive and more intelligent strategy than say a Fox News Broadcast, is it really that profitable or satisfying?  You’re a billionaire media mogul, build a space laser, set off an atomic bomb, create a private army, deal drugs, date models, own multiple sports franchises, buy a country, steal all the water from Bolivia (if this list went to 30, Quantum of Solace definitely would be making an appearance as well) .. anything is better than what you planned. 

Dialogue I made up: “Alright, I am going to leave, do this night parachute thing into the ocean again tomorrow, which wasn’t that easy by the way, and if you haven’t come up with an evil plan better than “creating the news”, instead of this cat and mouse gamesmanship thing we play, I am just going to shoot you in the head” – James Bond

14. Superman 4: The Quest for Peace Movie Sequels that Never Happened Part II (15 to 11) 

Frankly, none of the Superman movies are any good.  I am going to continue to ignore the fact that Superman Returns even exists.  Even if it did, despite the original cast staying until the very end, Superman 4 is still by far the worst installment in the series. 

Forced to confront an evil Superman, this movie is 2 hours of Superman getting the crap kicked out of him and then him moving the moon.  Seriously Superman, you can’t keep moving celestial bodies! 

Dialogue I made up: “Oh no it’s my greatest weakness, critical thinking.” – Superman

13. Aliens 3 Movie Sequels that Never Happened Part II (15 to 11)

Yeah, that’s the one where everyone has a shaved head.  Probably not the best call to host this movie on a prison colony.  Made with significant studio interference and directed by a then-young David Fincher (Fight Club and Se7en) and not Ridley Scott (Alien) or James Cameron (Aliens) this movie is painful to watch and I doubt anyone can remember how it ends. 

For those of you who never it made it that far, they pour molten lead on the alien and Ripley self terminates.  Really a win-win for the franchise at that point.

Dialogue I made up: “In sum, this was a really crappy life.” – Ripley

12. Jaws 4: The Revenge  Movie Sequels that Never Happened Part II (15 to 11)

Let’s review our Jaws fatalities.  There is the diver’s tank that when punctured by a bullet explodes, electrocution on a rock atoll, and a well positioned hand grenade.   How will the writers of Jaws 4 decide to do it?  If you guessed, stabbing it with a large wooden sailing ship, well that’s a good guess. 

Not surprisingly, the rest of the movie is a mess, with Jaws actively hunting the kin of Roy Schneider, who was wise enough to stay far away from this movie.  Despite starring in this movie, apparently Michael Caine has never seen it.  Some people just have all the luck. 

Dialogue I made up: “I am shark , humans are dumb, yum yum yum, swim swim swim” – Shark

11. Shrek 3  Movie Sequels that Never Happened Part II (15 to 11)

So let’s review Shrek.  Originally he is living in a swamp, alone and single, with no friends of any kind.  But he actually seems pretty happy with it.  Then he gets married and immediately starts hating his life.  (You avoided one prison for another my green-skinned friend). 

What have we all learned from Shrek?  What moral lesson has DreamWorks pounded into our heads? 

Maybe instead of watching this movie, that time could have been better spent by skipping over to watch 15 minutes of Pirates of the Caribbean 3, playing some Time Crisis, buying a slushy, enjoying said slushy in the hallway, and returning for the ending credits.  I don’t know, that’s just the route I went with.  I do know that those poor souls that stayed enjoyed an experience similar to student PowerPoint presentations, baby showers, and a Sex and the City marathon.

Dialogue I made up:  “You know what the ‘secret to my success’ is Donkey?  I have the power to make children shut-up.” – Shrek

Part I, Part III

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