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Katy Perry: 7 Stages of Grief

katy perry sad Katy Perry: 7 Stages of Grief
Stage 1: SHOCK & DENIAL

“You will probably react…with numbed disbelief. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.”

In your brain: How did the Friday Friday girl get out another song so fast? Wait minute…this is that hot Proactiv chick.

 

2. PAIN & GUILT-

“As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn’t do with your loved one…”

In your brain: Why don’t you just literally drop a deuce in your own ear?  And no, just because you’ve had enough whiskey and coke to make Maya Rudolph attractive, that doesn’t excuse the fact that you’ve set this to loop on your iPhone.

 

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-

Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. You may rail against fate, questioning “Why me?” You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair (“I will never drink again if you just bring him back”)

In your brain: But I listen to Mumford & Sons too! I’ve earned this! And I bet she even writes her own lyrics. She’s practically John Lennon if he’d survived the gunshot wound but been deprived of oxygen for 2 days.

 

4. “DEPRESSION”, REFLECTION, LONELINESS-

Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be “talked out of it” by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

In your brain: No—I don’t want  to “like” her damn Facebook page and I don’t care how much you listened to Debbie Gibson when you were my age. I like Katy Perry and I have to live with that…forever. I’m officially to musical taste what Sarah Palin is to budding young college basketball stars. A total tramp.

 

5. THE UPWARD TURN-

“…your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your ‘depression’ begins to lift slightly.

In your brain: You know what? Everyone likes this crap, and everyone feels like microwaved rat intestines filled with Roseanne Barr’ stomach bile because of it. But maybe…well maybe that’s okay.

 

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-

“As you become more functional, your mind starts working again…”

In your brain: My Wednesday commute home was sucking worse than getting a colonoscopy from a porcupine. And this tone-def, blue-eyed Christian artist gone bad really got my spirits out of the crapper. I…I am a fan of this song.

 

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-

“You are content with your present and hopeful for the future.”

In your brain: Should I play this out loud at work and download it for American Idol Karaoke on the Wii? 

Yes.  Hell yes.

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