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Harry Potter's Last Chance to Steal My Money

hp72 300x150 Harry Potters Last Chance to Steal My Money

There are certain things we all continue to do knowing full well it’s going to result in a negative consequence.

Checking food temperatures with the tip of your tongue.

Using the razor blade for one too many shaves.

Eating beef at a dive Mexican restaurant (or as I like to call it—carne del gato).

For me, the only habit I have that’s even more destructive than my penchant for bare grasping dry ice is going to see Harry Potter movies. As in all of them. At the theater.

And every time I feel like you do when the tip of your tongue is radiating like Chernobyl after that first sip of December tomato soup—stupid for thinking the results would be any more different than the last time I tongue-temp-tested.

With every film I’ve been enticed by the holy crap good versus evil cool battles oh my god quality of the trailer. And then every film is more slowly paced than your local nursing home’s rendition of Great Expectations.

But now I’m at the point that I feel Voldemort is speaking directly to me when he says “you will lose everything.” Like he knows exactly what I have lost to this meandering film franchise.

As in roughly 15 hours in the theater, over $60 in tickets, and my original belief that Harry Potter is more sophisticated than Scooby Doo.

Since I know that I’m going to be disappointed (and this mindset actually gives this movie the best chance of impressing me)—here is my short list of things I’d like to see in the final Potter film:

1. Voldemort give Ron a fatal purple nurple.

2. A horrific Quidditch accident which leaves at least 5 students permanently unable to use the restroom sitting down.

3. The Lord of the Rings’ Wraiths serve J.K.Rowling’s Dementors with papers ordering they cease and desist or be sued for copyright infringement.

4. Harry Potter runs the “gotcha your nose” toddler-gag on Voldemort.

5. Harry throws a punch. Just once. Please God, you cowardly, limey-bastard, get off the mat and just throw one punch to save your friends.

Because I’m shelling out one last $10 in hopes that you do.

**(Note to Potter-ites—I don’t care how great the books are. I’m going to the movies.)

 

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