“You will probably react…with numbed disbelief. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.”

In your brain: How did the Friday Friday girl get out another song so fast? Wait minute…this is that hot Proactiv chick.

2. PAIN & GUILT-

“As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn’t do with your loved one…”

In your brain: Why don’t you just literally drop a deuce in your own ear?  And no, just because you’ve had enough whiskey and coke to make Maya Rudolph attractive, that doesn’t excuse the fact that you’ve set this to loop on your iPhone.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-

Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. You may rail against fate, questioning “Why me?” You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair (“I will never drink again if you just bring him back”)

In your brain: But I listen to Mumford & Sons too! I’ve earned this! And I bet she even writes her own lyrics. She’s practically John Lennon if he’d survived the gunshot wound but been deprived of oxygen for 2 days.

4. “DEPRESSION”, REFLECTION, LONELINESS-

Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be “talked out of it” by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

In your brain: No—I don’t want  to “like” her damn Facebook page and I don’t care how much you listened to Debbie Gibson when you were my age. I like Katie Perry and I have to live with that…forever. I’m officially to musical taste what Sarah Palin is to budding young college basketball stars. A total tramp.

5. THE UPWARD TURN-

“…your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your ‘depression’ begins to lift slightly.

In your brain: You know what? Everyone likes this crap, and everyone feels like microwaved rat intestines filled with Roseanne Barr’ stomach bile because of it. But maybe…well maybe that’s okay.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-

“As you become more functional, your mind starts working again…”

In your brain: My Wednesday commute home was sucking worse than getting a colonoscopy from a porcupine. And this tone-def, blue-eyed Christian artist gone bad really got my spirits out of the crapper. I…I am a fan of this song.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-

“You are content with your present and hopeful for the future.”

In your brain: Should I play this out loud at work and download it for American Idol Karaoke on the Wii? 

Yes.  Hell yes.

There are certain things we all continue to do knowing full well it’s going to result in a negative consequence.

Checking food temperatures with the tip of your tongue.

Using the razor blade for one too many shaves.

Eating beef at a dive Mexican restaurant (or as I like to call it—carne del gato).

For me, the only habit I have that’s even more destructive than my penchant for bare grasping dry ice is going to see Harry Potter movies. As in all of them. At the theater.

And every time I feel like you do when the tip of your tongue is radiating like Chernobyl after that first sip of December tomato soup—stupid for thinking the results would be any more different than the last time I tongue-temp-tested.

With every film I’ve been enticed by the holy crap good versus evil cool battles oh my god quality of the trailer. And then every film is more slowly paced than your local nursing home’s rendition of Great Expectations.

But now I’m at the point that I feel Voldemort is speaking directly to me when he says “you will lose everything.” Like he knows exactly what I have lost to this meandering film franchise.

As in roughly 15 hours in the theater, over $60 in tickets, and my original belief that Harry Potter is more sophisticated than Scooby Doo.

Since I know that I’m going to be disappointed (and this mindset actually gives this movie the best chance of impressing me)—here is my short list of things I’d like to see in the final Potter film:

1. Voldemort give Ron a fatal purple nurple.

2. A horrific Quidditch accident which leaves at least 5 students permanently unable to use the restroom sitting down.

3. The Lord of the Rings’ Wraiths serve J.K.Rowling’s Dementors with papers ordering they cease and desist or be sued for copyright infringement.

4. Harry Potter runs the “gotcha your nose” toddler-gag on Voldemort.

5. Harry throws a punch. Just once. Please God, you cowardly, limey-bastard, get off the mat and just throw one punch to save your friends.

Because I’m shelling out one last $10 in hopes that you do.

**(Note to Potter-ites—I don’t care how great the books are. I’m going to the movies.)

Open floor plan (n.)–Your freaking bedroom has no door.

Doors.

That’s right, I never would’ve thought I’d have to ask—does the room you’re claiming to be a room actually have a door?

Well, loyal readers, you now have to ask that question.

At some point condo, building poop sacks—and I mean poop sacks of a scale not seen since Ben Roethlisberger assumed public restroom was code word for “brothel”—decided that you could call a Port-A-John sized space an “open bedroom”  without even slapping a tarp across the opening.

If it doesn’t have a door, it’s not a “room.”

Stupid poop sacks.

Breathe (used to be a verb)–Very small decks.

If the only cookout party you can fit on your “deck” consists of a Forman Grill and 1 and a 1/2 Ewoks, then call it what it is—a ledge with a railing.

And no, giving it hipster trendouche terms like “breathe” or “sunspace” only pisses off property seekers more.

Free Living Area (n.)–Your DVD player better double as your blender.

Do you like to eat all your meals on your couch? Do you enjoy feeling the heat of your microwave on your neck while watching your television?

If so, then make sure you check into new age urban living, where apparently the idea of kitchen is as yesterday churning your own butter.

5. Poop Go Down the Hole.

Any mention of your bowels, potty experience, or generally anything involving bodily expulsions. I’m not your mother. I don’t care. And neither does Facebook.

4. Crazy Una-Bomber Political Talk.

Obama was born in Hawaii. Bush didn’t cause 9-11. And if you post otherwise to Facebook, you either have a book coming out or most of your brain has been ravaged by earwigs.

3. Phony Event Planner

You know how at Christmas, you’d see a giant green box with a shiny red bow and you just knew it was going to be a new mountain bike, G.I. Joe army base, or Sega Genesis?

And then you opened it and it was Hanes briefs and a set of flash cards to help you with your multiplication tables.

Well every time I receive a Facebook event invite that’s not an event—usually from someone who thinks marking whether or not you’re “attending”  12/12/2012 or a Toothache or Harry Potter’s fictional birthday party is just the height of comedy—I get that same Kill Bill-esque murderous rage as when I held an abacus instead of a radio-controlled tank on Christmas morning.

2. Check In A.D.D.

I love location-based social media as much as the next nerd, and Facebook places is neat-o, but I don’t need to know if you just entered a Shell station, your work for the 1,000th time, or a Port-a-Jon.

(Okay—the Port-a-Jon check-in would be kind of awesome.)

1. Water My Crops

I hate your farm.  I despise your Mafia. I’d like to cast salt over your Facebook fields and employ a computer hacking hitman to destroy your computer.

I know it’s addictive—but so is crack, and we here at Bradmouth aren’t down with that. It transformed Whitney Houston into Flava-Flav in about a month.

So what do you think these 1980’s era video games are doing to you?

Here’s a questionnaire to help you.

~Could you update me more quickly about the status of your crops, or your child’s grades at school?

~When your phone rings, are you more expecting a beet harvest update or a human voice?

~Have you seen the sun today?

You know how to interpret your answers.

Black Swan in a Sentence:

Why I Almost Grew Black Wings: The pacing is highly innovative. Darren Aronofsky masterfully uses the first hour to screw with your senses, but only slightly.

An odd whisper here. A peculiar hallucination there. Highly competitive ballerinas glaring at each other like rabid fighting cocks everywhere.

And just when you think it’s slowing down to the point of cinematic eject button time, Natalie Portman starts doing majorly non-Natalie Portman things. Lindsay Lohan on a Tuesday night type things, such as ecstasy pills, peeling back the skin of one of her fingers, and a scene I’ll simply entitle, “How to Go All the Way with Yourself in 3 Easy Steps,” which in itself has completely neutered my image of sweet little Natalie.

And it only gets more devastatingly discombobulating from there. Black Swan’s heavy score—it makes the tubas from Inception seem like flute solos—only adds to the insanity.

By the time the credits rolled I was truly affected, my outlook on life severely dislodged for the first time since I learned R2-D2 was powered by a British midget who claims that C3PO is a real jackass.

What Made Me Want To Clip Those Wings: With all apologies to the Academy that bestowed 5 Oscar Nominations upon it, I just didn’t think the film was spectacular.

While I was impressed with how quickly the director reeled me back in from the brink of terminal boredom, I’m not exactly pleased that I was taken there in the first place.

Imagine if Donnie Darko or The Shining took over an hour to get to anything truly creepy?

We’d rail about how slow the films were. But since Aronofsky has been labeled a genius because of Pi, which I hated, I think he gets a pass on most criticisms we’d quickly bestow on other filmmakers.

Think of it this way—how much crap did people tolerate from Christina Aguilera after Genie in a Bottle, or M. Night Shyamalan after Sixth Sense & Signs? (Have you heard Aguilera’s “Dirty,” or seen Shammy’s The Village? If you haven’t then here’s another comparison—Ricky Martin’s “Livin La Vida Loca,” and then everything else he’s ever done, ever.)

The answer is not much. Aguilera’s last album bombed worse than Carl Lewis at the New Jersey Nets.

Also, I found Portman’s acting to be serviceable enough, but not Oscar worthy. Most puppy dogs can act nervous and introverted if you allow them to soak in a cold December rain, yet I don’t see any Yorkies burying gold statues in their backyards.

Black Swan’s Swan Song: If you’re looking to get knocked out of your comfort zone, and I mean like Sarah Palin attending a PETA rally knocked out, go turn off the lights and force yourself to remain in your seat for the full 1:47.

3.5 Black Feathers Out of 5.

Similar To: Donnie Darko, American Psycho

Not Similar To: The Sound of Music, Care Bears: The Movie, Die Hard, P.S. I Love You.

Rating: R

Runtime: 107 min.

In fact, I can say that I successfully and artfully dodged all the rabid exhortations from friends and family to watch the first season. Not even when my brother expertly performed the entire Brittney Spears episode, word for word and step for step, did I relent.

(Actually that’s not true. He only told me about it. And as he dwarfs me in stature—a grizzly bear to my pug—let’s not mention I said that.)

Unlike Mark Sanchez, I had better things to do than deal with teen angst on a weekly basis. (Google his name and move down the results until you see the number “17.” You’ll get the joke).

And though I’m fairly high on the metro-sexual scale of masculinity—somewhere above cool with shopping at Express for Men but still far below skinny jeans—I just wasn’t going to be force fed from the Pop Culture Poop Monster any more.

You know of this Poop Monster.

It’s the same evil beast that makes sure you have kids in the car when Miley Cyrus or Justin Bieber spray their rainbow tinted vomit through the radio and directly at your ear canal. The Poop Monster knows that turning the channel would set into motion the greatest hissy fit since the U.S. asked Soviet premier Nikita Khrushchev to get those pesky little missiles out of Cuba.

Or, for our younger readers, since the city of Los Angeles politely asked Ke$ha to go easy on the booze.

(Reader’s note: #342 why I LOVE Ke$ha. She lists Bob Dylan and Johnny Cash as two of her musical influences. With lyrics like… (click for classy video):

I’m just talkin’ true

I’m tellin’ you ’bout the sh** we do

We’re selling our clothes

Sleepin’ in cars

Dressin’ it down

Hittin’ on dudes

Hard

…how could she not list them as influences?)

But I don’t have kids. And I fear no Poop monster. So I refused to get sucked in.

Until I found myself without employment.

Wait. Stay with me.

When you’re bumming a room from your brother, and there is only one TV you have access to, and it is set to Glee (remember, he could snap my arm like Adrian Brody’s nose if he wanted), you can either go sit silently in your room, hope to catch the Grizzly Bear off guard for one good shot with a frying pan, or you do the unthinkable…watch Glee.

One stupidly fun cover of “Telephone” later, and I’m now officially more addicted to this sweet pop candy than Charlie Sheen is to…well…that’s just too easy. I’ll let you insert your own comical analogy.

The show does what Joss Whedon’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer did more than ten years earlier—it manages to take the peaks and valleys from an emotionally tumultuous part of life—adolescence to early adulthood—and couch it inside a hellaciously cool framework.

For Buffy it was vampires and demons. With Glee it’s pitch perfect covers and usually impressive, almost as good as Step Up 2 like dance numbers. (And Glee even plucked the best dancer from that movie).

Don’t get me wrong, some plot lines are preposterous, such as the morbidly obese student who draws the relentless sexual attention of one the show’s beaus. (I don’t think girls should try and be Taylor Swift transparent skinny, but this gal is one more latte from a massive coronary.)

But other ridiculous storylines are wildly entertaining, such as the bad girl of the show wielding mononucleosis as a tool for revenge. Even more funny when she reveals her own immunity, saying that she’s had mono so many times “it’s turned into stereo.

So, if you’re looking for cotton candy fun, and you don’t take yourself too seriously (your enjoyment of the Ke$ha video would be a good litmus test), then watch Glee on Tuesday nights.

Unless you limit yourself to one hour of television a week—then watch Justified.

2.  Milk and bread buyers transform into crack addicts and will stop at nothing to get their wheat and Vitamin D fix.

3.  Every school superintendent has prophetic visions of black ice, overturned school buses, and polar bears tearing small children limb from limb.

4.  Amongst teachers and children ages 5-17, the school closing report becomes the most important, life-altering announcement since George Clooney said he was leaving ER.

5.  All interstate commuters either engage their hyper-drive or piddle along more slowly than Marlon Brando’s hearse.

6.  The Titans aren’t in the playoffs.

7.  The Tennessee Department of Transportation makes good on its backroom deal with MAACO Body Shops and dumps enough salt on the roads to annihilate every paint job in Middle Tennessee.

8.  With promises of hot chocolate, Snuggies, and a massive amount of audible sedatives, the Nashville Symphony finally manages to lure in patrons

9.  Kid Rock sniffs all the snow he can find, despite Sheryl Crow’s pleas that it’s “not that kind of powder.”

10.  Around 3:00a.m. and donning only cowboy hats and smiles, Snowmen begin to stumble out of Big Bang.

What signs do you notice?

(Don’t just say it out loud. Go to the comments section.)

10: Gladiator

Description: After a little historical background the scene opens up to a massive battle between the Roman army and the Germanic tribes (or Vandals, or Goths, or Danes .. you got me .. I don’t know who they are fighting .. it’s been a long time since I took the European History AP).

The battle is complete with catapults, flaming arrows, some capable phalanx work, and a cavalry charge.  Not to mention we get introduced to the He-Man like General Maximus Decimus Meridius (a name I like to use at parties) long before Russell Crowe had a PR nose dive.

Why it makes the list: Epic battle, some great early lines, and Russell Crowe dominating the scene.  Odd that Robin Hood basically opened the same way and I hated it.  Thanks for the originality Ridley Scott.

No You Tube clip available (I REALLY tried)

9: Star Trek

Description: Instantly placed aboard the U.S.S Kelvin as it is forced to fight off a Romulan ship, we come face to face with the parents of the legend that is Captain James Tiberius Kirk.  I am not even a huge Star Trek fan and I almost peed myself.

Why it makes the list: Visually amazing, changes the entire tone of the franchise in minutes, best scene of the movie, and foreshadows the character development of James Kirk.

No You Tube clip available (you type ‘Star Trek’ into YouTube .. 340,000 results .. it’s like I typed ‘Justin Bieber’) .. you should all own this movie anyway

8: Scream

Description: Drew Barrymore makes a rather short appearance.  Fortunately for non-fans of her work, she exits quickly and in the best way possible.

Why it makes the list: The voice on the phone and the fact that we are all scared now to make Jiffy popcorn on the stove.

7: Jaws

Description: Beautiful woman goes swimming in the middle of the night, alone, with only a great white shark and the musical styling’s of John Williams to keep her company.

Why it makes the list: Because you’re still afraid to go into the water at night.  Even pools.

6: Casino Royale

Description: Movie opens in a surprising black and white as James Bond meets with a rogue spy / industrialist in Prague.  The scene is dark, heavily shadowed and jumps back and forth from a dark office and a bright bathroom.

Why it makes the list: In only a few minutes, Daniel Craig supplants Timothy Dalton as the greatest Bond ever.  (And yes I said Timothy Dalton!)

5: Saturday Night Fever

Description: Simple enough, Travolta walking down the street as the Bee Gees play.

Why it makes the list: Because it’s iconic and reminds us that Jon Travolta used to be a movie star.

4: Terminator 2: Judgment Day

Description: Present day Los Angeles quickly transitioned to post Judgment Day with burnt out cars, skeletons, and the machines.  Linda Hamilton narrating in that sultry smoker voice as we witness the battle between Skynet (or IBM) and the last human forces under John Conner.

Why it makes the list: Because if this was an Army recruitment Ad, we wouldn’t hesitate to join up.  No fate but what we make my friends.

3: Raiders of the Lost Ark

Description: Our introduction to Indiana Jones as he stands in the shade of a tree, in some tropical country, in the middle of nowhere.   Before whipping a guy for sneaking up on him with a gun he then enters the most implausible and well guarded temple ever created.

Why it makes the list: In my opinion, it is the list.

Like George Lucas would allow this trailer online

2: Patton

Description: General George Patton stands in front of an American flag and balances his backhanded compliments of his own men with the backhanded insults to the Axis powers.

Why it makes the list: Because I love America

1: Saving Private Ryan

Description: An old veteran makes the long walk through a cemetery in France.  Gazing into his eyes we are brought to the beaches of Normandy on D-day.  The next 10 minutes are chaotic, bloody, and intense.

Why it makes the list: You never actually recover before the movie ends.

Part 1:

Part 2:

Other movies we thought of but couldn’t fit on the list:

Replacement Killers

Description: Wearing latex gloves, Chow Yun Fat walks casually into a club to a roped off table populated by obvious criminals and lowlifes, and introduces himself by placing a bullet on the table.  For a normal person, in about 30 seconds they would be playing “like a G6” over your corpse.  Not Chow Yun Fat.

Youtube link: Not available

Why it didn’t make the top 10: We couldn’t really remember why we liked Crystal Method, plus we have to wait like 30 minutes in that movie for Mia Sorvino to show up.

Zombieland

Description: “For Whom the Bell Tolls” (Metallica) capped off by Rule # 1: Cardio aka “Don’t be a Fatty.”

Why it didn’t make the top 10: I am not sure why this movie didn’t win an Academy Award.

Youtube link:

Breakfast at Tiffanys

Description: Sad, “my buddy just died” music as Audrey Hepburn stuffs her face with a pretzel and looks at jewelry.  (Guys, if your wondering .. that’s two red flags in one scene)

Why it didn’t make the top 10: Because it almost made me fall asleep just writing about it

Youtube link:

Transformers

Description: Optimus Prime’s voice and then a U.S. base getting destroyed by one very evil Blackhawk helicopter.

Why it didn’t make the top 10: Still a little bitter about how bad the sequel was.

Youtube link:

Inception

Description: Starts off in a dream as the greatest soundtrack since Kill Bill takes over and we find Dicapro lying face down on a beach.

Why it didn’t make the top 10: Apparently the panel didn’t think “Awesomeness” was a good enough requirement.

Youtube link:

The Dark Knight

Description: Opens during a bank heist by the Joker and his crew.  The Joker ends up killing the whole crew and escapes on a school bus.

Why it didn’t make the top 10: Because just like the Academy Awards, we here at Bradmouth are incompetent at our jobs.

Youtube link:

Watchmen

Description: “The Times are A-changing” (Bob Dylan) plays as a timeline of the original Minutemen characters are inter-spliced with iconic historical events.

Why it didn’t make the top 10: Mixed reviews on this movie in general.  Despite some male nudity, women generally hated it.

Youtube link: Not available

Hope Floats

Description: Sandra Bullock gets ambushed on a talk show by her cheating husband and best friends

Youtube link: Not available (big surprise)

Why it didn’t make the top 10: Because no male has ever actually seen this movie.

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

Description: Butch checks out a bank and some poor sap accuses Sundance of cheating in a card game.

Why it didn’t make the top 10: The crime is that there are people in this world who haven’t seen this movie.

Youtube link:

Underworld

Description: Miserable rainy night, Kate Beckinsale in full leather, and a voiceover about Lycans and Vampires.

Youtube link: Not available (though I bet the movie is on TBS right now)

Why it didn’t make the top 10: Kate Beckinsale being hot doesn’t get you a spot on the list.

Monday, January 17th 2011

Dear Diary,

Today I awoke with a bit of a hangover. The Golden Globes were a spectacular failure. Though I wouldn’t consider The Tourist my finest work, I’d hoped that my threats to make a sequel to Salt would get me the trophy.

Adopted 12 more kids this week. Well, Brad says it’s technically kidnapping and that our neighbors are good parents, but I don’t care. If I see a child, I have to take it.

(Note to self—check out potentials at new playground down the street.)

Brad just doesn’t understand me or what I want anymore.

He doesn’t realize that if we accrue a large brood of children—most of them foreign kids I’ve snatched while the United Nation workers were handing out food—I can build a copy of the It’s a Small World After All ride in our backyard. The ride my stupid father would never let me go on.

God how I hate my father. Even his name.

Jon Voight.

It sounds like a foot rash you get after a week of soggy backpacking.

And how he always insisted my brother and I not sleep in the same bed. Can’t two 17 year-olds sleep nude on a twin mattress anymore without it being weird? What a prison warden.

Brad won’t stop talking about how proud he is of Jennifer’s new movie, some script by numbers romantic comedy with that mentally deficient gorilla Adam Sandler.

Almost as ridiculous as her Vitamin Water ads.

They airbrushed her nose so much she looks like the lovechild of a possum and the Elephant Man. And why she keeps getting work is beyond me. Maybe her old flame, that big-pored sissy boy John Mayer has more pull than I thought. I swear you could use his face to pan for gold.

Well dear diary, I must go. Johnny Depp is here and he wants to rehearse lines for the Tourist 2: You Bought a Ticket Before, So Why Not Again.

Great. He’s still in his Jack Sparrow costume. Been wearing it for the past 6 months straight.

And they called me weird for wearing a tiny little vial of Billy Bob’s blood around my neck.

Oscar winner,

Angelina