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Bradmouthin at the Movies: Harry Pooper and the Deathly Plotholes

deathly hallows Bradmouthin at the Movies: Harry Pooper and the Deathly PlotholesHarry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 in a sentence: The Noseless One Who Shall Not Be Named and Harry Potter have two very special, magical traits that distinguish them from all others in the Potter-Verse—both are very confused about how to destroy the other and very good at getting their compatriots killed.

What made me want to go out and buy Potter glasses: The first 20 minutes of Potter. Harry actually defends himself and (GASP!) a friend. An awesome chase scene ensues in the skies and highways of what looks to be London, and Voldemort even takes a quick shot at Potter, not waiting his customary 2 hours and 39 minutes to make a move.

Hermione Granger is scoring a 9.2 on the Bradmouth SuperCute beauty scale (back off—Emma Watson is 20 years old now), Ron even makes me genuinely chuckle, and I think I’m understanding the plot—Potter wants to destroy Voldemort by destroying the Horcruxes and Voldemort naturally objects.

A clear, fast paced plot? A hero that can actually, you know, be heroic? No Hogwarts?!

I checked my movie stub to make sure I was in a Potter flick.

What made me wish Voldemort was better at killing babies: Everything after the first 20 minutes, when I realized Harry Potter 6 would be a little good followed by a lot of bad.

Like a Mexican feast followed immediately by a colonoscopy.

Hushed conversations, sudden teleportations to scenic but odd locations, a high production value cartoon about three brothers cheating death that felt forced into the plot (like if the amazingly rendered rat from Ratatouille showed up in Remember the Titans—you might think it was neat-o, but probably be wondering if someone slipped hallucinogenics in your popcorn),  and Voldemort’s strange decision to say screw the Horcuxes I gots to get me a new wand all cause the plot to implode Poltergeist House style.

The implosion continues as Harry provides more evidence that he is the only Hamlet character type to serve as a savior figure in a fantasy franchise. Then we’re treated to an awkward, soft porn scene depicting Harry and MY Hermione getting uber-frisky. The rotten chery on top is dropped when yet another dear friend of Harry dies in a classic Potter rescue attempt—which is odd because all series Harry has received the Kardashian star treatment in the Potter-Verse as this Superman in waiting, and yet he must continue to be saved by seemingly inferior companions.

Finalius Verdictus: After over 14 hours of Harry Potter film viewing (every blood vessel in my left eye just popped as I read that back), I finally understand that the Potter tale is a friendship story and not a chosen one rising to save the day story. Which for me is the greatest bait and switch since Pearl Harbor advertised itself as a war movie.

If you love Potter, you’ll probably like it. If you’re not under its spell, escape on the fastest broom.

And yes, all the cool scenes from the trailer are in PART 2. And yes again, my curse will force me me to give J.K. Rowling another $7.50.

2 Half-Broken Wands out of 5.

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